I don't have a picture as I'm all but spitting about this situation. BUT, let me first say--I've had the best few days. Philadelphia Film Office (a.k.a movie), Finding Skirtin Around (my new fav shop) and book clubs galore. I can even be skyped in-who knew. But I'm loving Monogram March. I'm just not into March Mean girls!!!!
SC/Mean Girls! Life Does not surpass 7th grade
I recently got a call from my friend Sally, regarding a situation of the tear inducing sort. Her young daughter has been subjected to her first dose of Mean Girls. But what bothers me more is how the Mother handled it!
Here's the situation: MM (Mean Mother's) daughter no longer wants to be public friends with Sally's daughter at school, only on the weekends. I"m not a psychologist so I cannot begin to analyze that. But MM's behavoir is what irked me. Her daughter is a permanent fixture at Sally's house, weekends, vacations-you name it. I've even met MM's daughter, that is how much she is there. Sally treats MM's daughter like her own, she'd do anything for her and has. When MM's daughter decided she no longer wanted the friendship what did MM do? What any MM mother would do-she called the school psychologist to get involved, not Sally. I'm being sarcastic here, wouldn't the appropriate thing be to call Sally? First, only if to give her a heads up. Nothing tramatic happened. Sally's daughter did not "do" anything. MM's daughter just decided she wanted to make new friends. What would you do? Am I off base here?
The story gets worse as poor, unsuspecting Sally's daughter gets called in and told she is no longer friends with MM's daughter. She was rightfully very hurt, not to mention she is a shy little girl with social anxiety (that the school and MM are fully aware). This situation could have been handled so much differently and it will never cease to amaze me how mean people can and will be
MEAN PEOPLE....
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Sally needs to continue to BE ON TOP OF THIS!!! Someone very dear to me had this happen in seventh grade, herself. Her mother (due to not knowing the horrible repercussions) did not get involved. The girl developed anorexia and bulimia at age 13 and even years later, was not able to finish college due to continuing depression issues. She is in her mid 30s and has lingering issues (albeit small and non-hindering)... and she did go back to college and even got her masters! She is married to a wonderful man and has two precious girls.
ReplyDeleteI am not trying to scare anyone, but let you know that this COULD be a dire situation. It may NOT, but never second guess our children! They are too precious!
BEV, I SO agree with you. I think Sally's daughter is young, and just sort of trying to ride it out. BUT when I heard this I was HORRIFIED. Thank you for you response, especially because you are a teacher but also because you are kind, and a mother. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMiddle school is notoriously mean. The girls have hormones raging and they are trying to figure out where they fit in. For the most insecure girls it is socially kill before they are socially killed by others - they don't care about the body count as long as it doesn't include them.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree - MM had no reason to call Sally. What would she say anyway? But I also don't understand why the physcologist was brought into the mix unless the MM was concerned about the little girl.
I'm saying this as the parent of a 21 year old that was dumped by a friend in 7th grade seemingly after she forgot to bring the gift she bought when invited to a sleepover. There was no other explanation that either my daughter or I could decipher. The best thing that Sally could do is to let her know that MM's daughter's actions say more about them than it does about her. They likely have things going on that none of you know about. But Sally's daughter needs to move on and figure out who her REAL friends are pronto; a real friend wouldn't have treated her this way.
That is just so unbelievable. I think that Sally's daughter is much better off without this girl. However, this girl should NOT be allowed back into Sally's home, ever. Maybe it is her Mother's actions, but Sally should explain to her daughter that she is not not going to be friends with people like that, and that she is not a doormat. No public friendship, no friendship period. I think the support Sally gives to her little girl will get her through this.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't go back to those horrible years of middle school, for anything! (well, maybe with what I know now, just to make bullies cry, haha)
Best to Sally's daughter.
SC, oh my goodness. I literally JUST put up a blog post over at my place about women & our friendships and the importance of your BFF's.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to read this, Sally's daughter is sooo much better off without this Mean Girl. I hope Sally never allows Mean girl into their home again. How traumatic, and embarrasing for the school to be involved.
What happened to manners combined with good common sense?
XOXO and BOO on the meanies.
You ladies are all so very right. Margeaux is just turning 6 and the kindest little girl I know (even though I am her mother) and she has just started the see how mean girls can be. I find that sibling girls -- often the youngest-- are the worst offenders. I get worried how she will cope being an English girl in an American school, but I digress. Reading this reminds me that for every MM out there, there are many more Nice Mummies that would do the situation differently. Girls are so emotional, especially when they are younger and build such strong ties in their friendships. I only wish I was there to ask Sally to come over and play with M -- despite the age gap -- nice girls should stick together. Poor dear little lamb, my heart goes out to her, she is lucky to have an 'aunite' who loves her so.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is a senior in college this year and some of her friends are getting married. There is a girl who she went to preschool, grades K-12 with and her parents are friends of ours. This girl has for some reason always had a problem with my daughter although she is very nice to her to her face, especially when her parents are around. Recently, however, she had a bridal shower in another town, given by a peer. She invited everyone, and I mean everyone who went to school with her but my daughter. And it was given in the town my daughter is in now. Some mean girls never grow out of it. My daughter handled it very well though. I was very proud of her!
ReplyDeleteI think the best thing for Sally to do is to not allow MM's daughter over to the house. I'm sure this will be hard on both girls at first, but if parents aren't willing to teach their kids common civility, sometimes it is our job to do it for them. This girl cannot have her cake and eat it too... Public friends or not at all. Maybe MM's daughter will have a better appreciation for the value of true friendship. In the meantime, Sally should encourage her daughter to branch out, maybe even host a party and invite other girls she knows from school, etc
ReplyDeleteThat's terrible!!!! That situation could have been handled completely different!
ReplyDeleteI am posting anonymously because my daughter is grown/married now and a nice lady now. But when she was in Jr. High, she was a mean girl to someone.
ReplyDeleteI could see this happening and saw that my daughter and some of her friends were at fault. I not only addressed it with my daughter but I told the school principal what was going on. I had a very, very long talk with daughter about the fact that we never, EVER treat people like that, told her how disappointed we were in her, disciplined her and watched her very carefully after that.
Now, with that said if this particular girl were mine and I knew she only wanted to be friends with Sally's daughter 'on weekends' I would tell her 'no way.' If she's not 'good enough' to be your friend during the week then she's not 'good enough' on weekends, vacations, etc. And then I'd work on her about her 'I'm better than everyone else' attitude and nip that in the bud before it got out of hand.
Kathie
Duh-uh! I thought I was posting anonymously.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sometimes these are things that kids go through and I encourage every one of you Mama's out there to watch out for behaviour like this in your own children. It can be stopped and 'mean girls' can be turned into 'unmean girls' if you catch it in time.
As the mother of three almost grown boys, I didn'have to deal with "mean girls". From my experience, boys just don't resort to this sort of behavior. I remember all too well the "mean girls" of my youth. The sting still hurts. I have also encountered "mean women" as well. This I know for SURE....once a person shows you who they really are, shut it down immediately. The problem is, how do you convey this to such a young child who is just learning about people and life? Now, when I even get a hint of "mean women", I back off immediately, except for social politeness (is that a word?LOL). Life is too short. My experience has taught me that my time is better served with women who know the value of compassion and kindness. I also realize that mature friendships need distance as even nice women need their space in order to keep good feelings about their friendships. I am much older than most of your readers (50), but I like to think I have a bit of life experience. Women and girls are great, but shut down mean girls and women immediately. Sadly, some girls never grow out of this hurtful behavior. Parents should nip this in the bud the very minute they see their own daughter engaging in mean behavior. I would rather see a bad report card than hear that a child I raised cold resort to being hurtful.
ReplyDeleteOh school is so rough! And from the sounds of it parents seem to be behind it! Makes me nervous to send my own someday children off to school! On a happier note I ma loving The Preppy Mafia so far! You must be one busy bee!
ReplyDeleteOh, this is sad. Seventh grade girls are bad enough to each other but throw a parent and a psychologist in the mix, wow! I use to joke when I taught at the middle school that it was the hardest school to work in 'cause all the students were goin' through puberty and the teachers were goin' through menopause,!!!
ReplyDeleteIt ALWAYS gets extremely messy when you add parents to the mix. The students are always easy compared to the parents. MM had no right to contact the school, unless there is way more to the story. I can't imagine the school getting involved at all with the facts here. I sure hate to see another tween get any sense of esteem crushed by another mean girl, especially with the help of her mama.
Just goes to show ya, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.
Have a beautiful day Beth.
OH my gosh! Beth and Sally - as a retired high school teacher, I could write a novel on mean girls. My daughter was even subjected to it as early as elementary school, too. I guess I had an advantage because I was a teacher and knew what was going on. FIRST - If I were Sally, I might have a meeting with whomever called her daughter in to announce that she is no longer friends with MM's daughter. They were out of line to deliver such a message to the child without calling Sally. And if this school believes it is okay to get involved in the private affairs of the students, then Sally can issue a directive that she is to be called in the future before her precious daughter is called in a delivered such a missive.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I learned from all my years of teaching - Mean Girls come from mothers who were Mean Girls themselves. Period. I promise you. That's why they are so supportive of such behavior. Sally might even look into next year's class selection and try to manipulate that a bit. I don't know how willing her school system is in that regard. It just nauseates me to hear this story. Mean girls are like sharks. When they draw blood, it becomes a feeding frenzy. Therefore, we have to teach our daughters not to show "hurt". And, I am sorry to say that we also have to teach them to "take up for themselves". It can be teaching them short, succinct responses to things that might happen.
And all of you readers know that I am here if anyone needs to further discuss options for dealing with Mean Mothers, Mean Girls, and/or Stupid School Personnel.
xoxo
Glad to hear that things have been good for you. And as for mean people lets just hope they get theirs.
ReplyDeleteI can really sympathize for Sally's daughter. I've had a lot of the mean girl stuff.
ReplyDeleteOh that is just cruel! Sally in the end will hopefully be able to look back on this moment and be a better person...better than MM's daughter, that's for sure. MM should know better...ugh. Chin up young person!
ReplyDeleteThat is so heartbreaking. Calling in the school psychologist was the worst thing that the MM could have done because it added unnecessary drama to the situation. There is no such thing as a weekend friend or a public friend. Either the girls are friends or not. If I were Sally, I would NEVER allow this girl into my home. She is toxic. Hugs to Sally and her daughter.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. Brings back unpleasant memories of my daughter's middle school years. My own were difficult, but I think the meanness has reached a whole new level. I'll join many in sending hugs to Sally and her daughter.
ReplyDeleteThat is just horrible, Sally's daughter is much better off, at that age it is hard to see even understand this at such a hard age. The friendship between these two girls if it persists could end up being one that is toxic for Sally's daughter. She sounds like a sweet girl with a loving family, she doesn't need some little brat(putting that nicely) to dictate to her when and where they can be friends. It's hard enough for a young girl at that age. In time Sally's daughter will see that not being friends with this girl was a really a favor in the long run. Means girls mother should of called Sally, Not the school. That speaks volumes about her character. I wish Sally's all the joy in the future, she will make new friends that love her for who she is all the time.
ReplyDelete